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Grieving for Your Loss

You may not have thought of it in these terms, but you are likely to go through a grieving process when faced with the loss of your house. It’s something like what you might experience if you were contemplating the loss of your marriage or career.

In her seminal book On Death and Dying, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five stages that patients commonly experience when given a terminal prognosis. To a lesser extent, people facing the possibility of foreclosure often go through similar stages, which are:

• Denial (This isn’t happening to me!)
• Anger (Why is this happening to me?)
• Bargaining (I promise I’ll be a better person if ...)
• Depression (I don’t care anymore.)
• Acceptance (I’m ready for whatever comes.)

Denial. People commonly ignore the first warning signs of impending foreclosure—the missed payment, the call from the lender, even the formal notice of default that is the prelude to a foreclosure sale. Envelopes are unopened, notices go unread, and phone messages are quickly erased. Homeowners know something bad is happening but cling to the hope that something—anything—will come along to bail them out or that they can ride out the current situation until the housing market rebounds.

Anger. When it finally dawns on them that they might actually lose their house, they become angry—with themselves, their spouse, the lender, or maybe the president of the United States. After all, it must be someone’s fault that they signed a variable interest note that would reset much higher in a year or two, or that they bought a house they obviously couldn’t afford in the hopes they could refinance their way to an affordable mortgage.

Bargaining. Anger gives way to negotiation. They tell themselves that if somehow they can avoid losing their home they will make all their mortgage payments on time, hew to a strict budget, and even get a second job, if necessary.

Depression. As the foreclosure sale draws nearer and negotiations with their mortgage servicer drag on, the reality of the possible loss of their home sets in and they may become physically ill and unable to deal with the daily grind. Each day begins and ends in fear.

Acceptance. The state of depression turns into a state of acceptance that the foreclosure is coming and must be dealt with—which results in:

• a search for new quarters
• a plan to fight the foreclosure
• a visit to a bankruptcy attorney, or
• a resolve to remain in the home as long as possible, payment free.